William Hill

“Searching”

When I was a young man I thought I had all the answers. I thought I knew who I was, what I wanted out of life, how I was going to get those things. Nobody could tell me differently. When someone would give me a piece of advice I would think yeah, but those things don’t apply to me.

Now that I am in my mid-forties I realize that not only did I not have all the answers, I didn’t even know what the real questions were. I am in a search mode in my life.

What am I searching for? Knowledge. The knowledge that I thought I had when at 17 I informed my parents and family that I was dropping out of school and joining the Army, I was sick and tired of having other people tell me what to do and I wasn’t going to put up with it anymore. Yeah, just ask me how that worked out for me! The knowledge that I thought I had when I was sure I could out-smart the system and get rich without working for it. All I ended up doing is outsmarting myself and landing myself in prison… FOUR TIMES!! Can you say slow learner.

The knowledge to understand and accept my limitations. The knowledge to understand that I do not control everything and that, contrary to my previous beliefs, everything does not revolve around me and my wants and needs.

I am searching for power in my life. No, not the power to control others or to get out of this cell, but power to be the very best man that I can possibly be. The power to be a friend that a friend would want, the power to be a loving brother to my brothers and sisters, whether they are willing to recognize the change or not. The power to live a life or honesty and integrity, instead of a life of roguishness.

I am searching for inner peace. To be able to rid myself of the inner demons that still haunt my dreams. The inner peace to be able to live with the person I am until I become the person I would like to be. To have the inner peace to be able to content no matter what my circumstances are. To come to grips with the reality that I will never again be a free man.

Most of all I am searching for a friend. Someone who will recognize that I am more than just a number behind a razor wire fence. That no matter my crime, or how long that I’ve been in here I am still a human being with feelings. I’m not searching for a wife, or a relationship, but for someone who cares.