excerpts from Shawn A. Morgan, 10-20-11
Man I am so bummed out right now. It seems like a million things are running through my mind right now. First above and beyond the normal for this animal depository they keep us in doing time, I am fearful and paranoid. Of what? Of who? The answer isn’t easy, or even one that would be expected from someone doing time. I am not really that scared of those I’m in here with, not that I’m all that brave, or super badass or something. It is what it is in here, accept it or not. Sometimes you’re safe, others not so. But, anything can happen at any time. My real fear is not the who’s and the what’s around me, if is that I’ll catch up with me, or that I already have. I have made a bad habit from childhood of doing as I please at any cost, leaving everyone around me to pick up the ragged pieces left behind me. I am seeing this, the fact that I was selfish to a fault in most of my dealings with others. As kids people often go through that, but then they grow up and change….
….Add to that I found I hate single cell, my mind can’t wrap around it properly. I try a routine, exercise, professional help, but, fear, anger, hatred, twist and cut me away. I have known God through my childhood as a Christian, though I chose no life as that. I wanted the wild life. In jail I only turned to God when I wanted to go home. As soon as I hit the pavement, church was no place for me. Hypocrite? Probably! But, I have always loved and believed in God. I even have an intimate knowledge of Him. I just chose self + sin over Him. Now I am forced to face the real me everyone else always sees, not the acid trip distortion I show myself. I am trying to walk a real spiritual path, in here that can be a challenge. In here, out there I can’t live this way even one day longer. Sweating, wondering, hungering, hoping there is more to me. Even I myself do hate me. Scared all is lost and there are no chances left, that I’m alone to grow old in this cell, or die.